Love Thy Self

Hello, little lovelies. It has been quiet some time since I posted anything for you to read. Life is still leading me to random places at random times. I finally decided to download the blogger app for my Droid to keep you all updated. This post will mainly be to catch you up from the last post I made.

Life, as always, has it's ups and it's downs, the good with the bad, the old with the new. Nothing is ever perfect, but I've learned through my struggles that most of the time the fight is worth it.

In this past year, I've far more relationships than I'd like to admit. It may not be in the tens, but it means I haven't found that right person. Or is it that the timing has not been right for any of them to work out.

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Everything has a time and a place to happen. Of course, I also believe that most of those things are adaptable by choices we make. Every action we take has a reaction. If you don't give yourself time to heal from one heartbreak to the next, the reaction will seem to always fall towards the negative. Think of it like a machine. When something breaks and you patch it up just enough for it to work again, eventually it will malfunction again and again until you take the time to fix it properly.

Some days, I may feel lonely. Sometimes it might be noticeable, and most times not so much. However, I am taking the time I need to properly heal. Without the presence or comfort of any kind of significant other. When I actually sat down and analyzed my life and all my past relationships, I realized that ever since I am 15 years old I have never been just me. I've always been plural.

Growing up is tough. You are always on a journey to find yourself. Some of us have it all figured out while others think they do, but the majority of people get stumped by one minor question. "Who are you?"

People we love have a huge impact on the people we become in life. If you are always with someone else, it can be quiet hard to find your true self.

While I may have feelings of confusion and regret running through my mind, I am looking at my new single life as a blessing. I finally have time to explore life alone. Though that may sound a bit depressing to most, it means I will be able to discover my likes and dislikes. There is a whole world out there that I have yet to see because there was always some shame behind my eyes to things that sparked my interest.

I'm not afraid to just be me anymore. Whoever I may be. If I like something, I express it. If I want to try something that interest me, I do it.

Maybe one day I will find my dream guy and life will feel beyond perfect, but right now I am enjoying every discovery I make about the true person I am within. I'm talented, smart, creative, and very nurturing. Others might not think those things about me. But, as long as I am happy with myself; their opinions don't seem to matter.

I know this blog was more personal than in the past, but I really needed to vent. I don't really scream or shout. I hold in my tears most days. I let out my emotions by writing them. It helps me see my thoughts that are usually scrambled to the extent of being unfathomable.

I don't seem to have any advice for you on this subject today. All I can say is just be yourself. If you don't know who that is, search deep within your soul. I'm sure you find true beauty.

Until next time, this has been Marcy Jenson babbling your ears off as usual.

Growing Pains

Today I will talk about emotional growing pains. They hurt. Plain and simple. Just like the bones in your legs hurt when you are growing taller, your heart hurts as you grow older. As you transition from childhood to adulthood, you have a billion questions to ask yourself. Sometimes not knowing the answers to those questions cause grief to your fist-sized heart.

No matter what your questions are, only you know the answers. Whether you are trying to figure out your career line, future goals, or if you are ready to settle down and start a family; only you can decide. You must look deep within your soul to find the answers. Filter out through all the life lessons you have already learned, and figure out who YOU are becoming to the world.

Change isn't always fun, but IT HAPPENS. We all grow up. We all mature. Sometimes hobbies stay the same, sometimes they change. Hop scotch might have been your favorite game as a child, but not so much anymore. That is okay. OR hop scotch may still be your all time favorite. That is okay too. 

This blog will be all over the place. I apologize for that. I am all over the place right now. I am trying to filter out my life lessons and figure out who I am. I have always had a fear of change, but growing up is supposed to be fun. Well, not fun per say, but not so frightening. So, why am I taking this so hard? I will tell you why. 

In 2004, I lost my oldest brother to a car accident. I am much better in the healing process now, but it still stings around this time of the year. He died the day before Independence Day. He was my first major lost. I know we all lose people, but I took it hard. As time went on, I started losing more people. Now, my biggest fear is being alone in life. Fear of abandonment. Also, fear of not becoming the person I long to be. The problem with that is I don't know who I want to be. I have all this great insight, but why can I not take my own advice? That I cannot answer. 

So, let us all who are afraid of change make a promise to ourselves. Lets dive in. Lets grow up. Let's make everyone we've lost and even the people we still have proud. Let's not be cry babies any longer. Let us GROW!

What's love got to do with it?

Hello world! I am back! I am here with a little message about my opinion on some things! Hope I don't offend any of my readers, but it is the expression of my feelings on this topic!

HERE IT GOES!

Love is an emotion. It is how you feel. Everyone's definition is not the same. You love your family, friends, people you barely know, and sometimes strangers. It is how you feel about the person. 

What about romantic love? The love you feel for that significant other. How does that love effect you? How does it effect your loved ones? The answer is simple. However you and them allow it to effect them is exactly how it effects them.

Sometimes you will love someone so much, and your loved ones may disapprove of the person. You won't love them any less for it. But, they shouldn't love you any less for loving someone they wouldn't particularly date or potentially marry. It can, however, leave you in a state of confusion and frustration. Why do they disapprove? What is it that turns the off to my guy/girl? Should I leave the person I am happy with to prevent my loved ones from leaving me?

Don't those thoughts override your mind. Everyone has different taste. Everyone views the world different. And, if you are truly happy then try to explain that to your loved ones. Maybe their accusations are accurate. Maybe their nightmares mean something more than you think. But, the decision is always ultimately yours! If they love and respect you enough, they won't leave you because you are dating someone they don't particularly like to be around. If they do, they were never really a true friend. Odds are that one day the people who have bad thoughts about your guy/girl will date someone you don't want to be around either. It happens. It is life. Not every soul is compatible. 

If you are a minor reading my blog, I have to inform you that your parents override my jurisdiction and you must abide by their rules. Sorry, I know it isn't fair. You are only a kid once, so enjoy it! Nine out of ten you will not love the same guy you are with by the time you are allowed to date him/her anyways. That is life, too. 

I am not an expert on this subject. It is simply my opinion, but that is all I have to say for today. 

So, keeping being happy. Keep loving everyone you love! Don't let fear stop you! Don't live blindly either, though! This has been Marcy Jenson, and I LOVE my readers!

What's Love got to do With It - Tina Turner

FIGHT AND CONQUER

Ever know the right way to do things, but are too reluctant to suck up your pride and do the right thing? If you answered yes, then it sounds like you are as stubborn as this little girl writing this blog. Sometimes; however, our pride can explode in our faces if we don't suck it up. 

TRUST ME

It isn't easy admitting your flaws and your faults, but sometimes those things can affect other people. Not just you. Much of the time those other people are people you care deeply about. If those people love you, they will accept you for who you are, but don't expect them to turn the other cheek if you aren't even attempting to make things better. 

GO AHEAD

Admit you have a problem. Admit you aren't perfect. THEN take the steps to make it better. I guess the harsh reality of the matter is that no one can help anyone who isn't trying to help themselves. If you say, "Oh well, I am depressed.". Or, "I'm bipolar. DEAL WITH IT!" You aren't solving anything. You are; however, creating bigger problems.

 

The first step to solving a problem is always to admit it. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Only stating that fact won't solve the problem without taking the steps to truly fix it afterwards.

HERE IT GOES

I have bipolar disorder. I have been diagnosed with it since I am 17 years old. I used to refuse to take medications because of bad experiences with only a few of the ones many different doctors tried for me. I also HATE  talking about my problems to people. It makes me feel low and like I am begging for sympathy. Maybe that's because people have always acted like that's what I needed when I would admit it. 

Recently I was stuck in one of the worst episodes that I have ever had. It was a mixed episode. Which means I was in a manic-depressive state. ROLLER COASTER CITY!

During this episode I did much damage with a few relationships and friendships. I did things that I wouldn't typically do, and hurt many people that I love very much. To those people, if you ever read this, I am very sorry. I cannot express how sorry I am. 

When I was at my climax is when I realized. "SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!" I searched high and low for the people I knew well enough to know my situation and have helped me through before. THANK YOU!  And I even opened up to a complete stranger in hopes of having another person on my support team. 

After all their aid and guidance, I went to the Dr. that I feel most comfortable with for further direction. 

I am now on the right tract. I refuse to let this thing get the best of me. And so should you. No matter what your issue may be, you are bigger than it. Fight it! Don't let it have control! Find your own support team that can help you make the right choices to kick it to the curb! 

YOU CAN DO IT!!

A Wish for Someone Like You

All you romantics will love this, all you anti-love fans will hate it. Some of you will not understand my analogies, some of you will. This is for Michael. My prince. My love. My Mikey. Thank you, Honey for being there even through my roughest moments. I know it isn't easy. I have a long road ahead of me, but you have put me back on the right one. I was too far gone down the other one. Thank you for lifting me up and placing me back on my path to sanity.

We are young

Our future is bright

Thoughts of our love

Gets me through each night

Far away or by my side

Forever your arms are my home

As long as you allow

There is where I'll reside

I've wrote about you once before

Just a hope and a dream to walk through my door

I've searched high and low for this poem, You see

This poem was a wish for you to be sent to me

Morbid it was

Dark, Scary, and Cold

But somewhere inside was the hope I did hold

Hope for someone like you

To love someone like me

To understand my flaws

Ones the world do see

Have deeper meaning

I hope I'm not wrong in the way the I feel

But the love I have for you has moved me to makes the steps that I must

To finally close my wounds and allow them to heal

Young Roller Coaster Love

Inspiration has set in and I will use all my engery to write these creative passages. When life gives me lemons, I will find a way to use the juice as ink. It may be a very light and bright color, but I believe that is the best part!

I'm here tonight with a story to tell

Of a boy and a girl and how in love they fell

It all started out with a day gone bad

For the girl who was feeling nothing but sad

Her bestie was there with the runaway car

But these girls had no means to run very far

They stayed up all night giggling away tears

Hoping the laughs would chase away fears

This girl had a phone and other people who cared

She vented all out; her problems she shared

On the other end of that phone someone found the problems alarming

Who would've thought, He'd be her prince charming

Not a Knight, Not a fool

Not in armour, Not in foil

A Prince, I do say

Indeed I mean royal

The charmer with words she needed to hear

The support and the care was all just so near

The friend with the car that couldn't take her far

Had places to go leaving this girl feeling bizzarre

Not ready for home

And a prince in her hands

She asked for a rescue

She had a plan

Prince charming agreed to show up with a sword

Hoping her pain would be no more

Prince charming was unaware of the issues at hand

But he stepped to the plate

His heart was so grand

Not wanting to push

Not wanting to shove

Only wanting one thing

That thing was love

She let him in deeper than anyone before

She left her dirty laundry all over the floor

Pointing out all her flaws and why she thinks no one will care

But he ensured this young girl that he would be there

The deeper she fell

The more she let go

Control was all gone

The flaws she first mentioned were starting to show

Prince charming still stood by his word by sticking it through

He boarded a very tough ride

Boy, if he only knew

The girl unknowingly started to damage

The heart of a prince and he hoped he could manage

Finally realizing the control she had lost

Young girl told herself she was the boss

Not the boss of the prince

Oh, no not indeed

But the boss of herself and the way she'd proceed

Trying hard to turn it all around

Young girl relies on all she has found

Sorries, Thank yous

Begging and Pleading

For the Prince to understand 

Her heart was now bleeding

Young girl knew the pain she had cause

Left is distress and wanting to pause

"Pause my life, Dear God," she pleaded

"I need to make things right with the ones that I needed"

"I needed them then and I still need them now

I want the control but I just don't know how"

No sudden response was sent to the girl

But the knowledge she holds was beginning to swirl

She figured out what to do to make things right

To dry her new tears

And sleep through the night

She made calls

She made mends

She did what she could

To turn it all around the way that she should

There is no end to this story because this couple is still making it through

Young girl is turning back to all the things she already knew

Prince charming is still there holding her hand

Despite all things

He is still her loving man

Even with all said and done

And even some parting still pending

They'll have to admit 

This is merely the beginning

A Blast from Your Lemons Past

Hey, guys and gals! It's been a few months since my last post. Life has definitely thrown me some major curve balls that I hadn't expected. However, that didn't stop me from walking to the plate to bat each and every time. Of course, I might not have the best hand eye coordination, but getting hit by the ball still allows you to walk to first base. 

So, where to I begin? I have learned so much in the many adventures I traveled through between my last post and now. Guess I'll just go where my fingers take me.

Here it goes.

When life gives you lemons, DO NOT put vodka in your lemonade! Of course it makes it all fun and fantastic for the first few parties, but you aren't handling the situation. You are avoiding it. Which, in the long run, will come back to bite you in the ass! Trust me, I know from experience. It makes life all hazy from one moment to the next. Everything is great because your problem has been tossed to the side. But let me tell you something, honey, when you run out of vodka and start sobering up. Your troubles are still there giving you the death stare because you need to FIX the problem. You can only drink it away the memory of the issues, but they never leave. They only become invisible to your beer goggles.

There are many other great things you can do with those lemons, though. Lemons are sour, but if you add a little sugar they are extremely tasty. There's always lemonade, lemon cookies, lemon meringue pie, lemon iced tea, etc. All things that are handling the situation in a positive light, not running away from the problem altogether. Share these lemons with someone you trust if you must to help you get through it. You can get through any obstacle thrown in your path because God does not give us more than we can handle. If you are feeling overwhelmed. Remember that God thinks you have the strength, wisdom, and courage to get through the problems you are facing today. The lemons are their for you to make sweet treats and beverages with them to share with the best friend you and getting the aid from, to increase your stamina and will power. Lemons are a great source of vitamin C that helps build up your immune system. So it makes sense when life throws you lemons. You need to build up your figurative immune system.

Also, live your life for today. I know that I am guilty for this as well as the next person, but we CANNOT change the past. We have NO WAY TO KNOW what tomorrow holds. So, why not live for today. Take steps to heal past wounds. Find closure however you must, but please move on. I know from experience how difficult it is to move on from past events that may have scarred you, but the only person suffering from those memories you are holding onto with so much hatred is yourself. I am sorry, darlings, but you can't change it. And allowing it to continue hurting you today isn't only affecting you, but the people you love. Trust me, it won't be easy. The first step is to figuring out the source of what is causing your agony. Then, confront the issue head on. Meaning you have to mentally revisit the event that is causing you such dismay in your present time. If there is a person you can talk to, a place you can visit, anything that would trigger the full memory and allow you to let out all the grief and emotion you have been holding in for all this time then go find it. Visit the place, talk to the person let them know exactly how you feel. Nine out of ten, they know they've done wrong. Maybe they are sorry. Maybe they are not sorry. Forgive them anyways. Let it go. I know you will probably always remember, but you can't let it hurt you anymore. As tragic as you past may have been, it is what made you who you are today. The strong, beautiful man or woman walking around the stores and streets everyday with a huge smile upon your face hiding the tender scars you are hiding behind your beautiful eyes.

If you can do that, you will cross over a huge canyon in your life that was holding you back from living in the moment. However, don't jump from yesterday straight into tomorrow. Pace yourself. We are only granted today. Tomorrow isn't promised to us. You can still dream, but don't let it overpower you and become all you're living for because if you do, you've lost today to tomorrow.

The videos below are some songs that played through my head while typing today's post.

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

You have come a long way just by looking up and researching self-help advice. I believe in you. You should, too. Until next time, this was Marcy Jenson advising you to find your inner peace. You can defeat the beast inside.