Love Thy Self

Hello, little lovelies. It has been quiet some time since I posted anything for you to read. Life is still leading me to random places at random times. I finally decided to download the blogger app for my Droid to keep you all updated. This post will mainly be to catch you up from the last post I made.

Life, as always, has it's ups and it's downs, the good with the bad, the old with the new. Nothing is ever perfect, but I've learned through my struggles that most of the time the fight is worth it.

In this past year, I've far more relationships than I'd like to admit. It may not be in the tens, but it means I haven't found that right person. Or is it that the timing has not been right for any of them to work out.

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Everything has a time and a place to happen. Of course, I also believe that most of those things are adaptable by choices we make. Every action we take has a reaction. If you don't give yourself time to heal from one heartbreak to the next, the reaction will seem to always fall towards the negative. Think of it like a machine. When something breaks and you patch it up just enough for it to work again, eventually it will malfunction again and again until you take the time to fix it properly.

Some days, I may feel lonely. Sometimes it might be noticeable, and most times not so much. However, I am taking the time I need to properly heal. Without the presence or comfort of any kind of significant other. When I actually sat down and analyzed my life and all my past relationships, I realized that ever since I am 15 years old I have never been just me. I've always been plural.

Growing up is tough. You are always on a journey to find yourself. Some of us have it all figured out while others think they do, but the majority of people get stumped by one minor question. "Who are you?"

People we love have a huge impact on the people we become in life. If you are always with someone else, it can be quiet hard to find your true self.

While I may have feelings of confusion and regret running through my mind, I am looking at my new single life as a blessing. I finally have time to explore life alone. Though that may sound a bit depressing to most, it means I will be able to discover my likes and dislikes. There is a whole world out there that I have yet to see because there was always some shame behind my eyes to things that sparked my interest.

I'm not afraid to just be me anymore. Whoever I may be. If I like something, I express it. If I want to try something that interest me, I do it.

Maybe one day I will find my dream guy and life will feel beyond perfect, but right now I am enjoying every discovery I make about the true person I am within. I'm talented, smart, creative, and very nurturing. Others might not think those things about me. But, as long as I am happy with myself; their opinions don't seem to matter.

I know this blog was more personal than in the past, but I really needed to vent. I don't really scream or shout. I hold in my tears most days. I let out my emotions by writing them. It helps me see my thoughts that are usually scrambled to the extent of being unfathomable.

I don't seem to have any advice for you on this subject today. All I can say is just be yourself. If you don't know who that is, search deep within your soul. I'm sure you find true beauty.

Until next time, this has been Marcy Jenson babbling your ears off as usual.

Growing Pains

Today I will talk about emotional growing pains. They hurt. Plain and simple. Just like the bones in your legs hurt when you are growing taller, your heart hurts as you grow older. As you transition from childhood to adulthood, you have a billion questions to ask yourself. Sometimes not knowing the answers to those questions cause grief to your fist-sized heart.

No matter what your questions are, only you know the answers. Whether you are trying to figure out your career line, future goals, or if you are ready to settle down and start a family; only you can decide. You must look deep within your soul to find the answers. Filter out through all the life lessons you have already learned, and figure out who YOU are becoming to the world.

Change isn't always fun, but IT HAPPENS. We all grow up. We all mature. Sometimes hobbies stay the same, sometimes they change. Hop scotch might have been your favorite game as a child, but not so much anymore. That is okay. OR hop scotch may still be your all time favorite. That is okay too. 

This blog will be all over the place. I apologize for that. I am all over the place right now. I am trying to filter out my life lessons and figure out who I am. I have always had a fear of change, but growing up is supposed to be fun. Well, not fun per say, but not so frightening. So, why am I taking this so hard? I will tell you why. 

In 2004, I lost my oldest brother to a car accident. I am much better in the healing process now, but it still stings around this time of the year. He died the day before Independence Day. He was my first major lost. I know we all lose people, but I took it hard. As time went on, I started losing more people. Now, my biggest fear is being alone in life. Fear of abandonment. Also, fear of not becoming the person I long to be. The problem with that is I don't know who I want to be. I have all this great insight, but why can I not take my own advice? That I cannot answer. 

So, let us all who are afraid of change make a promise to ourselves. Lets dive in. Lets grow up. Let's make everyone we've lost and even the people we still have proud. Let's not be cry babies any longer. Let us GROW!

What's love got to do with it?

Hello world! I am back! I am here with a little message about my opinion on some things! Hope I don't offend any of my readers, but it is the expression of my feelings on this topic!

HERE IT GOES!

Love is an emotion. It is how you feel. Everyone's definition is not the same. You love your family, friends, people you barely know, and sometimes strangers. It is how you feel about the person. 

What about romantic love? The love you feel for that significant other. How does that love effect you? How does it effect your loved ones? The answer is simple. However you and them allow it to effect them is exactly how it effects them.

Sometimes you will love someone so much, and your loved ones may disapprove of the person. You won't love them any less for it. But, they shouldn't love you any less for loving someone they wouldn't particularly date or potentially marry. It can, however, leave you in a state of confusion and frustration. Why do they disapprove? What is it that turns the off to my guy/girl? Should I leave the person I am happy with to prevent my loved ones from leaving me?

Don't those thoughts override your mind. Everyone has different taste. Everyone views the world different. And, if you are truly happy then try to explain that to your loved ones. Maybe their accusations are accurate. Maybe their nightmares mean something more than you think. But, the decision is always ultimately yours! If they love and respect you enough, they won't leave you because you are dating someone they don't particularly like to be around. If they do, they were never really a true friend. Odds are that one day the people who have bad thoughts about your guy/girl will date someone you don't want to be around either. It happens. It is life. Not every soul is compatible. 

If you are a minor reading my blog, I have to inform you that your parents override my jurisdiction and you must abide by their rules. Sorry, I know it isn't fair. You are only a kid once, so enjoy it! Nine out of ten you will not love the same guy you are with by the time you are allowed to date him/her anyways. That is life, too. 

I am not an expert on this subject. It is simply my opinion, but that is all I have to say for today. 

So, keeping being happy. Keep loving everyone you love! Don't let fear stop you! Don't live blindly either, though! This has been Marcy Jenson, and I LOVE my readers!

What's Love got to do With It - Tina Turner

FIGHT AND CONQUER

Ever know the right way to do things, but are too reluctant to suck up your pride and do the right thing? If you answered yes, then it sounds like you are as stubborn as this little girl writing this blog. Sometimes; however, our pride can explode in our faces if we don't suck it up. 

TRUST ME

It isn't easy admitting your flaws and your faults, but sometimes those things can affect other people. Not just you. Much of the time those other people are people you care deeply about. If those people love you, they will accept you for who you are, but don't expect them to turn the other cheek if you aren't even attempting to make things better. 

GO AHEAD

Admit you have a problem. Admit you aren't perfect. THEN take the steps to make it better. I guess the harsh reality of the matter is that no one can help anyone who isn't trying to help themselves. If you say, "Oh well, I am depressed.". Or, "I'm bipolar. DEAL WITH IT!" You aren't solving anything. You are; however, creating bigger problems.

 

The first step to solving a problem is always to admit it. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Only stating that fact won't solve the problem without taking the steps to truly fix it afterwards.

HERE IT GOES

I have bipolar disorder. I have been diagnosed with it since I am 17 years old. I used to refuse to take medications because of bad experiences with only a few of the ones many different doctors tried for me. I also HATE  talking about my problems to people. It makes me feel low and like I am begging for sympathy. Maybe that's because people have always acted like that's what I needed when I would admit it. 

Recently I was stuck in one of the worst episodes that I have ever had. It was a mixed episode. Which means I was in a manic-depressive state. ROLLER COASTER CITY!

During this episode I did much damage with a few relationships and friendships. I did things that I wouldn't typically do, and hurt many people that I love very much. To those people, if you ever read this, I am very sorry. I cannot express how sorry I am. 

When I was at my climax is when I realized. "SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!" I searched high and low for the people I knew well enough to know my situation and have helped me through before. THANK YOU!  And I even opened up to a complete stranger in hopes of having another person on my support team. 

After all their aid and guidance, I went to the Dr. that I feel most comfortable with for further direction. 

I am now on the right tract. I refuse to let this thing get the best of me. And so should you. No matter what your issue may be, you are bigger than it. Fight it! Don't let it have control! Find your own support team that can help you make the right choices to kick it to the curb! 

YOU CAN DO IT!!

A Wish for Someone Like You

All you romantics will love this, all you anti-love fans will hate it. Some of you will not understand my analogies, some of you will. This is for Michael. My prince. My love. My Mikey. Thank you, Honey for being there even through my roughest moments. I know it isn't easy. I have a long road ahead of me, but you have put me back on the right one. I was too far gone down the other one. Thank you for lifting me up and placing me back on my path to sanity.

We are young

Our future is bright

Thoughts of our love

Gets me through each night

Far away or by my side

Forever your arms are my home

As long as you allow

There is where I'll reside

I've wrote about you once before

Just a hope and a dream to walk through my door

I've searched high and low for this poem, You see

This poem was a wish for you to be sent to me

Morbid it was

Dark, Scary, and Cold

But somewhere inside was the hope I did hold

Hope for someone like you

To love someone like me

To understand my flaws

Ones the world do see

Have deeper meaning

I hope I'm not wrong in the way the I feel

But the love I have for you has moved me to makes the steps that I must

To finally close my wounds and allow them to heal

Young Roller Coaster Love

Inspiration has set in and I will use all my engery to write these creative passages. When life gives me lemons, I will find a way to use the juice as ink. It may be a very light and bright color, but I believe that is the best part!

I'm here tonight with a story to tell

Of a boy and a girl and how in love they fell

It all started out with a day gone bad

For the girl who was feeling nothing but sad

Her bestie was there with the runaway car

But these girls had no means to run very far

They stayed up all night giggling away tears

Hoping the laughs would chase away fears

This girl had a phone and other people who cared

She vented all out; her problems she shared

On the other end of that phone someone found the problems alarming

Who would've thought, He'd be her prince charming

Not a Knight, Not a fool

Not in armour, Not in foil

A Prince, I do say

Indeed I mean royal

The charmer with words she needed to hear

The support and the care was all just so near

The friend with the car that couldn't take her far

Had places to go leaving this girl feeling bizzarre

Not ready for home

And a prince in her hands

She asked for a rescue

She had a plan

Prince charming agreed to show up with a sword

Hoping her pain would be no more

Prince charming was unaware of the issues at hand

But he stepped to the plate

His heart was so grand

Not wanting to push

Not wanting to shove

Only wanting one thing

That thing was love

She let him in deeper than anyone before

She left her dirty laundry all over the floor

Pointing out all her flaws and why she thinks no one will care

But he ensured this young girl that he would be there

The deeper she fell

The more she let go

Control was all gone

The flaws she first mentioned were starting to show

Prince charming still stood by his word by sticking it through

He boarded a very tough ride

Boy, if he only knew

The girl unknowingly started to damage

The heart of a prince and he hoped he could manage

Finally realizing the control she had lost

Young girl told herself she was the boss

Not the boss of the prince

Oh, no not indeed

But the boss of herself and the way she'd proceed

Trying hard to turn it all around

Young girl relies on all she has found

Sorries, Thank yous

Begging and Pleading

For the Prince to understand 

Her heart was now bleeding

Young girl knew the pain she had cause

Left is distress and wanting to pause

"Pause my life, Dear God," she pleaded

"I need to make things right with the ones that I needed"

"I needed them then and I still need them now

I want the control but I just don't know how"

No sudden response was sent to the girl

But the knowledge she holds was beginning to swirl

She figured out what to do to make things right

To dry her new tears

And sleep through the night

She made calls

She made mends

She did what she could

To turn it all around the way that she should

There is no end to this story because this couple is still making it through

Young girl is turning back to all the things she already knew

Prince charming is still there holding her hand

Despite all things

He is still her loving man

Even with all said and done

And even some parting still pending

They'll have to admit 

This is merely the beginning

A Blast from Your Lemons Past

Hey, guys and gals! It's been a few months since my last post. Life has definitely thrown me some major curve balls that I hadn't expected. However, that didn't stop me from walking to the plate to bat each and every time. Of course, I might not have the best hand eye coordination, but getting hit by the ball still allows you to walk to first base. 

So, where to I begin? I have learned so much in the many adventures I traveled through between my last post and now. Guess I'll just go where my fingers take me.

Here it goes.

When life gives you lemons, DO NOT put vodka in your lemonade! Of course it makes it all fun and fantastic for the first few parties, but you aren't handling the situation. You are avoiding it. Which, in the long run, will come back to bite you in the ass! Trust me, I know from experience. It makes life all hazy from one moment to the next. Everything is great because your problem has been tossed to the side. But let me tell you something, honey, when you run out of vodka and start sobering up. Your troubles are still there giving you the death stare because you need to FIX the problem. You can only drink it away the memory of the issues, but they never leave. They only become invisible to your beer goggles.

There are many other great things you can do with those lemons, though. Lemons are sour, but if you add a little sugar they are extremely tasty. There's always lemonade, lemon cookies, lemon meringue pie, lemon iced tea, etc. All things that are handling the situation in a positive light, not running away from the problem altogether. Share these lemons with someone you trust if you must to help you get through it. You can get through any obstacle thrown in your path because God does not give us more than we can handle. If you are feeling overwhelmed. Remember that God thinks you have the strength, wisdom, and courage to get through the problems you are facing today. The lemons are their for you to make sweet treats and beverages with them to share with the best friend you and getting the aid from, to increase your stamina and will power. Lemons are a great source of vitamin C that helps build up your immune system. So it makes sense when life throws you lemons. You need to build up your figurative immune system.

Also, live your life for today. I know that I am guilty for this as well as the next person, but we CANNOT change the past. We have NO WAY TO KNOW what tomorrow holds. So, why not live for today. Take steps to heal past wounds. Find closure however you must, but please move on. I know from experience how difficult it is to move on from past events that may have scarred you, but the only person suffering from those memories you are holding onto with so much hatred is yourself. I am sorry, darlings, but you can't change it. And allowing it to continue hurting you today isn't only affecting you, but the people you love. Trust me, it won't be easy. The first step is to figuring out the source of what is causing your agony. Then, confront the issue head on. Meaning you have to mentally revisit the event that is causing you such dismay in your present time. If there is a person you can talk to, a place you can visit, anything that would trigger the full memory and allow you to let out all the grief and emotion you have been holding in for all this time then go find it. Visit the place, talk to the person let them know exactly how you feel. Nine out of ten, they know they've done wrong. Maybe they are sorry. Maybe they are not sorry. Forgive them anyways. Let it go. I know you will probably always remember, but you can't let it hurt you anymore. As tragic as you past may have been, it is what made you who you are today. The strong, beautiful man or woman walking around the stores and streets everyday with a huge smile upon your face hiding the tender scars you are hiding behind your beautiful eyes.

If you can do that, you will cross over a huge canyon in your life that was holding you back from living in the moment. However, don't jump from yesterday straight into tomorrow. Pace yourself. We are only granted today. Tomorrow isn't promised to us. You can still dream, but don't let it overpower you and become all you're living for because if you do, you've lost today to tomorrow.

The videos below are some songs that played through my head while typing today's post.

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

You have come a long way just by looking up and researching self-help advice. I believe in you. You should, too. Until next time, this was Marcy Jenson advising you to find your inner peace. You can defeat the beast inside.

Find the Light

Hello out there in this cruel world we are living in today. I haven't made a good post in a long while. So I am here to give the advice that my friends and I have for you all today.

Tonight's topic is about the unpredictable things in life. How we cannot avoid them, but we can learn how to adapt to all changes and still find the light inside of the darkest tunnels you must pass through to survive.

How many of you feel like you are stuck in an unavoidable situation, and can't seem to shake off the negative thoughts and emotions that always seems to follow? If you aren't in that situation at this very moment, I am sure you have had at least one experience in life that made you feel that way. If you haven't ever had an experience to make you feel this way, then you are probably too young to understand the things I will say in tonight's post. One day, however, you will be in a predicament that makes you think back to this very post. Hope what you read here helps. :-) (remember I am not in any way or form a professional and can only give advice based on personal life experiences)

I can't even pretend to know what your problem may be at this very moment, but the way to solve the problem is usually always the same. Find the LIGHT. No matter how dark the situation seems, there is ALWAYS a bright side. Everything always happens FOR A REASON. Even if you do not SEE the reason at the time things are going "wrong", it is there. Hold on to the light. Make a point to look at the pros even when they seem to be out weighed by the cons. Feed the pros cheeseburgers to make them gain weight if you must.

Find a way to cope with the situation at hand. Whether your more comfortable with music, a bottle of jack (just don't try to out drink your problems because that will create an even bigger problem), spending time with people that make you feel better, writing, etc.; you can always find a way to make the journey you are taking an easier ride to endure until it is over. Usually the things you use to help you get through turns out being the light of the situation.

NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER FEEL LIKE ITS NOT WORTH FIGHTING TO FIND! THE LIGHT IS THE ANSWER!

So, go feed your pros cheeseburgers. Light the candle. Use your cell phone's back light if you have no other choice., but don't let your life get as dark as your worse situation.

Everything could always be worse, you could be trapped on the moon with the creepy cheese man...

Until next time, this is Marcy Jenson telling you to grab your yellow crayon, and draw your sun in your own sky. :-) You are worth it.

Dear Jack

Another stressful boring day. Another random romantic poem. Writer's block has lifted... I wish my comp was up and running so I could continue my novel.

————

Dear Jack

If I said I love you
Would you say it back
Or would you make my heart feel like it were under attack?
Some times I wonder if there is more to me and you
Some times I wonder if you are my something new
You turn my frown upside-down when you are around
Your presence always lifts me up when I am on the ground
With much effort you do these things because I'm hard to please

But you push for smiles until you do succeed

Not every man would try so hard to please just any girl
Not every man would make my head swirl

Jack, you are so good to me when no one else is there
You make an effort to prove to me that you really care

Confusion, though, does set in when you walk out my door

You look for love when its in your face
I guess you do not know
When is the time or the place
Where the love will glow

I care for you and this is true
I think that you should know

We are meant to be
Why can't you see
The love I'm trying to show

————

Hope you enjoyed this cheesy poem.

Holding to Hope

I am bored. So here is a random poem. I write usually in a romance genre, but sometimes I mix it up. I have a few friends who are always coming to me with their relationship issues. So, this is dedicated to them.

--------------------------
Holding to Hope

As she sits alone at night, she thinks of you with a tear in her eye.

She is so confused by the signals you send and only wants your hearts to blend.

You're everything she thinks she wants and in her memories you do haunt.

You make her worries fade away while in her presence day by day.

You say you care and act like you do, but when asked how you feel you don't have a clue.

She believes that you care and wants something more but your presence my friend is something she adores

Afraid to push you away she sucks up her pride she puts on a smile
her feelings she hides.

You may feel the same way
so you are both suffering
By each passing day

So open your mouth and say what you think because this girl can be gone in a blink

She won't wait forever since she has a life plan but she's holding to hope that some day you will be her man.
–----------------

Hope you enjoyed my cheesy love poem. We sometimes forget that men are human too and have emotions they hide. They aren't all bad. Some times their eyes are just as open as ours but their hearts are closed to protect themselves from pain.

Fork in the Road

It has been a long while since I have made any posts. My reason being I have been very busy with a new job.

I have been there for three months now. Like every job, it has its ups and downs. The ups are that I have came across some very wonderful people in my journey. People who have helped me have a new look on life. I have also learned things about myself that I wasn't sure I had. Like, I can work under the high pressure it takes to work at a new restaurant and leave at night feeling very accomplished. Even though I never thought my professional place in life would be a kitchen, I feel as though I can accomplish anything if I can do this feeling great. The downs are that I have physical health problems that are undiagnosed that sometimes make the job harder than it needs to be. I take the challenge, though, because I refuse to let the issues I am having prevent me from being a working woman. I have worked too hard to be the independent woman that I am to lose this battle. I will just take the days I need to recoop when I need to and pray that I get the things I need to maintain my independence.

One thing I have learned, is that life will always throw a fork in your path to try to knock you down. The only person who knows the path that must be taken is YOU. The answer is ALWAYS deep within you. It may take some digging to find it, but it IS always there.

Even if you find yourself running in circles because you are much too impatient to stop and pause, you will arrive at your destination soon enough. My opinion is that if you are prematurely choosing your path without stopping to take a glance at your surroundings, you are in much need of the lessons you will learn by taking the more difficult road.

I know I am also guilty of making impulsive decisions that take me down the road of lessons rather than the straight path to my destination. I do, however, cherish every lesson that I have to learn. I strongly believe that these lessons are needed in order to handle what will meet me at the end of my journey.

So even if you're impatient, take a moment to look back at everything that may have "gone wrong" in your life. Analyze how you handled it, and figure out how you feel about it now. Figure out what each situation has taught you about yourself. Appreciate how far you have come in life rather than dwelling on the fact that you have not reached your destination in your own time limit. Realizing what you have over thinking of what you don't ALWAYS makes the sun shine brighter.

So, go ahead. Realize. I dare you. ;)

Published Old Poetry Today

As you may all see, I have added a couple new blogs. Well, in fact, they are extremely old blogs I have finally recovered. "Geas World" consist of old poetry that was already posted there. Once I get a chance, I will add more of my old poetry there.

I want to warn you that my writings back then were very dark and deep. I was a completely different person back then. I thought my life was so horrible. I had every right to feel the way I felt. I went through some pretty terrible situations throughout my teenage years. My actions, however, were by no means acceptable. I can't tell you how many times I have apologized to my mother in the past couple years.

I think it is relevant, though, to show my writings from the morbid time of my life to the people reading the motivational posts I publish in "Taking a Look Behind the Eyes". I think the people reading the stuff I post about the struggles I face today and the way I handle them today is much different from when I was younger. I want you all to see that I am giving my insight from years or therapy for myself. I had to learn how to deal with my emotions in a more healthy way, and back then; I didn't think there was any other way possible.

Like I have been saying from the beginning, I am not a professional. I am only speaking from experience. I will start taking time to let you all in on the experiences in later posts.

Yes, you will probably see me fall on here from time to time as I try to still break the cycle of depression I suffer with still today, but I promise you it will not be so hard because I know I can pick myself back up.

If you are interested in reading those poems I mentioned at the beginning, click here.

That is all for now. Have a wonderful beautiful day.

Jumping vs Climbing

Life, for everyone, has its ups and downs. Sometimes it gets so low it is hard to think about anything with a positive light. Even though we sometimes feel like life has defeated us, we notice a tiny speck of light in the far distance. In awe, we follow it. As we get closer, the brighter the light shines. It also grows in length. Our thoughts slowly start to shift in an optimistic direction. Finally, when we get close enough, we realize that the light we followed was shining through a crack in a door that opened when the previous slammed in our faces.

Are you the type that follows the light to find new opportunity or do you let your prior rejections hold you down? As easy as it would be to let the ladder take place, wouldn't you feel more accomplished to chase the former? I know I would. Sometimes our biggest set backs is trying to jump over a mountain when we can only max about three feet of air in one jump and the acme is sitting in the clouds. Wouldn't it be wiser to reach for smaller, reasonable goals on your journey to accomplishing your bigger goals?

I won't lie. I have always tried to jump over that mountain in one leap. I have only reached failure each time, and always tried to get over it with the same methods over and over again. So I am speaking from an experienced failure point of view when I say that I am turning my life in a new direction. I will climb the mountain slowly. I will go for what is in reach to pull myself closer to the top. It will not be an easy process. I will have to cultivate patience. I will have to learn much self discipline. I will also have to keep myself motivated because none of my dreams will happen over night. On the other hand, they will never happen if I don't learn from my mistakes.

Are you going to climb your mountain, also, or will you continue trying to jump over it? I hope you decide to climb with me, but if you do not, I wish you luck. I am not a professional. My climbing may only make me lose my grip. I am only doing what we all have the power to do with our own lives. I am taking control and trying something new.

Until next time, this has been Marcy Jenson. Hope you get the insight I am trying to provide.

The Feeling of Defeat

It isn't always easy to be all smiles when you're being torn apart on the inside by the disease you try to hide from the world. It hurts a thousand times more than anyone who has not had the unfortunate happen to them can imagine. You stare at the mirror and think, "Who is that?" Your thoughts are running faster than you can keep pace. It would be okay if those thoughts were optimistic and beautiful, but it is the total opposite. The thoughts are pessimistic and unfathomable. All things are analyzed in a dark light. Nothing really seems to matter anymore.

I feel like this today. I felt like this yesterday and the days prior. I am sinking slowly. I can hardly breathe anymore. I wish someone would understand. I wish there was someone I could talk to without hearing a word. I just want to let it all out how my life is a mess because I can't do anything right anymore.

I feel like admitting all this will somehow make all the battles I won in the past worth nothing. I know that sounds stupid, but I don't want to lose the war. I came too far to lose now, but I feel like surrendering. I can't take it anymore. I am walking on the bottom of the ocean. I need to resurface. I am not sure how to do that right now, but I will let it all out like I feel I need to do.

Here it goes:

I am finally ready to do anything I need to so I can feel better. I been going through this for too many years now. I need good health insurance for this though. For good health insurance I need a job, which I cannot keep because of all my mood swings and depression. I am skilled in many areas, but it doesn't matter when I am going through my episodes. Theres a program I am in that will take care of my problem about health insurance, but I will be stuck in my home state that I am desperately trying to escape.

I am in a long-term long-distance relationship with the man I hope to marry and start a family with one day. He is great. He has the means to take care of me where he is residing. I wanted to escape the state of my residence since I was a small child. Why would I want to be stuck here? So many people think it is stupid for me to relocate myself for him, but I do not. Maybe its because I am letting my feelings get in the way of rational thinking, maybe its because this is something I wanted all my life. Why can't you let me grow up? I am not happy about being an adult either. In fact, I'd like it much more to still be the child who was spoiled by many than this woman trying to figure out what direction to take in life while fighting a mental disorder.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but I cannot turn back the clock. Time will continue to go forward, and I want to be truly happy before my clock stops. I am afraid that this will not happen. Which is why I am trying to go forward with the clock, or at least catch up.

I know that this hasn't been an encouraging post. I am sorry. Sometimes we all need to look for the light on our own. The light has been hidden from me for a while now.

Until next time, I hope you are feeling better than me, Marcy Jenson.

Individuality

As I woke up this morning to a phone call from a close and dear friend, my the negative thoughts started to invade my mind. They were giving me a million reasons why it would great to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. I had made these plans three days ago, but it took exerted force to get me to stay committed to the days agenda.

Little did I know, the weather outside was hugging my mood receptors for dear life. Weather induced depression. BLAH! I hadn't even heard the rain, seen the dreariness of the sky, or even felt the cold wind, but somehow my body knew and it conspired with then weather to keep me down.

I finally pulled myself away from my clingy sheets approximately ten minutes before my ride was scheduled to arrive. I threw on some jeans, a silly t-shirt, socks, and shoes. Then I grabbed my brown zip up hoody and bag before leaving comfort bubble I call home.

On the open highway we drove an hour to find something to eat and catch up with the things we have going on in ours lives. After we ate, we drove around sightseeing and discussing random topics that popped into our minds and rushed through our lips. We ended our day visiting her family. The day was great!

I almost can't understand why I wanted to stay home in the first place. Its like there is a deeper force out there trying to keep me unhappy. I refuse to let it have full control over me.

Although my life isn't perfect, I am still content with the way things are falling in and out of place. Some of you may be disappointed in me, while others are cheering me while I lose the marathon I was trying to run. I can not say I don't care because I'd be lying, but it won't stop me from being who I am.

Something important in life is to know it is okay to obtain individuality. If you are all trying to fit in with other people, then you will be unhappy.

Draw close to God, and become his friend. Even when no one else understands who you are, he will. He is the best friend you can have. He wants you to be yourself and love him. He loves you.

This has been Marcy Jenson, and my advice for you today is to simply be yourself. Let yourself shine. Don't be afraid. God does love you. He made us all different and gave us free will for a reason. :)

Mo[u]rning Gory

All my days start off on about the same note. At the very moment my deep slumber evicts me and I start to gain awareness of reality, I beg for my dreams to accept me back with open arms. When it rejects me, I check my energy levels which is rarely a full charge. I linger around in bed hoping the royalty in dreamland will realize they have made a mistake and call me back. They rarely do, so I reluctantly crawl out of bed and prepare for my day.

I am sure I am not alone in my dread for waking up each day and avoid going out and venture out into the day's journey. We don't have to let it stop us though. If we fight against what is holding us back, we can and will accomplish everything we have on our agenda. We will not only have a to do list completed, but we will also have a heart filled with goodness knowing we won today's battle. The war may not be over, but we will fill a little more confident for the new journey we will have to walk through the following day.

So let us take our troubles head on, and show ourselves we do have what it takes to live in this world. We are just as important as the next person; and without us, some in the world would not be right. Although we tend to feel we do not belong, our existence is very important to society.

Until next time, this has been Marcy Jenson telling you to keep your head held high.

Have a great day!

Let Me Introduce Myself

I am your typical everyday young woman who loves to watch movies, listen to music, hang out with friends, and gossip about anything and everything possible. I have a huge family and many friends who have my back, and I love them for that. All those people also know that I would, likewise, take a bullet for them.

I also tend to look very bubbly on the outside, especially when I am with these people I mentioned above. Many people take that to mean that everything is great in my life. Of course, they are right to assume that is the case. I mean; I have employment, a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in at night, food in my cupboards, and an endless stream of people who love and care about ME. I likewise care about them. I am usually the shoulder for them to cry on, the friend they have when they need me there.

Although, if you look deeply behind my eyes, you will find that I am not as stable as I seem to portray on the outside. I am fragile and weak, but I make it a point to live every day to the fullest. I have many fears I must fight each day, but I still find a way to smile.

This blog is to show people like me who are out there, that you are not alone, and although sometimes you may be too fatigue to make lemonade with those lemons being thrown at you. You can still cut them into crescents, sprinkle some sugar atop, and make a sweet snack with them anyways.

Until next time, I am Marcy Jenson telling you to keep that smile on your face. Life will get better, or at least thats what I tell myself.