17 January 2011

The Feeling of Defeat

It isn't always easy to be all smiles when you're being torn apart on the inside by the disease you try to hide from the world. It hurts a thousand times more than anyone who has not had the unfortunate happen to them can imagine. You stare at the mirror and think, "Who is that?" Your thoughts are running faster than you can keep pace. It would be okay if those thoughts were optimistic and beautiful, but it is the total opposite. The thoughts are pessimistic and unfathomable. All things are analyzed in a dark light. Nothing really seems to matter anymore.

I feel like this today. I felt like this yesterday and the days prior. I am sinking slowly. I can hardly breathe anymore. I wish someone would understand. I wish there was someone I could talk to without hearing a word. I just want to let it all out how my life is a mess because I can't do anything right anymore.

I feel like admitting all this will somehow make all the battles I won in the past worth nothing. I know that sounds stupid, but I don't want to lose the war. I came too far to lose now, but I feel like surrendering. I can't take it anymore. I am walking on the bottom of the ocean. I need to resurface. I am not sure how to do that right now, but I will let it all out like I feel I need to do.

Here it goes:

I am finally ready to do anything I need to so I can feel better. I been going through this for too many years now. I need good health insurance for this though. For good health insurance I need a job, which I cannot keep because of all my mood swings and depression. I am skilled in many areas, but it doesn't matter when I am going through my episodes. Theres a program I am in that will take care of my problem about health insurance, but I will be stuck in my home state that I am desperately trying to escape.

I am in a long-term long-distance relationship with the man I hope to marry and start a family with one day. He is great. He has the means to take care of me where he is residing. I wanted to escape the state of my residence since I was a small child. Why would I want to be stuck here? So many people think it is stupid for me to relocate myself for him, but I do not. Maybe its because I am letting my feelings get in the way of rational thinking, maybe its because this is something I wanted all my life. Why can't you let me grow up? I am not happy about being an adult either. In fact, I'd like it much more to still be the child who was spoiled by many than this woman trying to figure out what direction to take in life while fighting a mental disorder.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but I cannot turn back the clock. Time will continue to go forward, and I want to be truly happy before my clock stops. I am afraid that this will not happen. Which is why I am trying to go forward with the clock, or at least catch up.

I know that this hasn't been an encouraging post. I am sorry. Sometimes we all need to look for the light on our own. The light has been hidden from me for a while now.

Until next time, I hope you are feeling better than me, Marcy Jenson.